The Art film Apocalypse.

There is just a stipulated amount of eloquent waxing you can carry out on the issues plaguing the society before you’re called a psychopath with no understanding of the society or an RSS activist. I have around 20-30 more years until I am restricted to disease and politics related talks at weddings, so I thought I’d give this society and culture bashing a rest and write about something that doesn’t involve matters having violent repercussions. Let’s go to the other end of the stupid spectrum and review some movies that I absolutely despised. Let me get done with this review quickly before Kannan Gill comes and takes this away from me.

Off late, a lot of stuff passes for quality cinema in the Indian film industry. Most of which, I do not really understand. India clearly takes its cinema very seriously and that is the reason you find hardcore and borderline insane fans of any actor. My taste in cinema is completely warped because of this and it results in me enjoying certain films just because of the atmosphere it creates. I am now at the point where I’d probably watch any movie and say it was watchable just because of one attempted comic scene where the 14^th sidekick unknowingly burps in an awkward situation. There are however, some movies I could barely sit through and this is just one of them. If at gunpoint, I was made to sit through any of these movies again, I would willingly take the gun and shoot myself in between the eyes because that would prove to be a faster death. One of these movies has to be Mariyaan, the epic desert romantic action thriller psychopath coming-of-age Dhanush movie directed by renowned artistic film maker, Barathbala.

Dhanush has risen to glory by playing the role of a psychopath in most of his movies and that has mainly been his thing for some time now. Mariyaan aggressively pushes the boundaries and the patience of the average film watching crowd by making you sit through 2 and a half hours of A.R. Rahman trying to save a drowning boat with music. This movie is apparently about the struggles of a fisherman named mariyaan and how he tries to escape from an African mafia gang who have held him hostage. The movie received a lot of critical acclaim, which is just fancy talk for – only enjoyable if you’re paid to write reviews. Apart from obvious unrealistic scenarios like dhanush beating up people, the story also goes on to expect you to believe Dhanush escapes. Look at him. Does he look like someone who would survive 3 days without food? A normal person would expect him to collapse and get a hunger induced coma if he skipped tea in the evening. He also walks the entire length of the desert and makes it to the exit in one A.R Rahman song. That is a lot of walking for someone whose body looks like it can accommodate a maximum of 40 calories. Then again, you must never underestimate the power of a song in a tamil movie.

Dhanush being caught by the mafia and escaping is just scratching the surface of this complex plot. He experiences various conflicts in his hometown as well (obviously girl related). Just when you would think the plot is getting increasingly stupid, there comes a scene in which dhanush picks up a fight with the local villain in his village because he exhibits a liking for his catch ( I mean his girlfriend, not his actual aquatic catch. Spare me, militant feminists). Normal movies would depict this liking in the form of casual flirting or harassing but this is an artistic film, so obviously the reason must be exponentially stupid. Dhanush spots his arch nemesis running his feet through his lovers’ footwear while she is at church. Intense stuff, see for yourself

Ah feet. Sweet sweet feet.

There was a lot of hype for these few scenes wherein Dhanush experiences some weird hallucinations. The first one of these is when he’s trapped in a cellar with his kidnapped buddy. They were food deprived, obviously since they were kidnapped in a country that cannot provide food for their normal citizens, let alone the ones they kidnap. In dire circumstances like these, Dhanush and his friend go crazy and start eating and drinking air. Couple this with some A.R Rahman melody in the background and the director succeeds in making you think that it was masterpiece film making. Another scene that made my friend compel me to not leave the theater hall during the interval was this cheetah scene. I was ready to save the remainder of my neurons and go back halfway through the movie when my friend stopped me and suggested I stay for the second half because there are some amazing scenes. So I waited around 45 minutes through the second half for this Oscar worthy scene, and it can be said that I was disappointed thoroughly and wholly. The entire scene comprises of Dhanush sitting under a tree while imagining cheetahs around him. He does this for around 10 minutes and then Kollywood Kony finds and locks him up again.

There are just some films whose ending you can predict right away. This is one of them. You can actually listen to the music from the album 2 weeks before the movie releases and know that he escapes in the end. This is the basic structure of any artsy film in India. I’ve had enough of these art films from here and I cannot muster the courage to watch the ones made abroad. It is ironic how films are made under the entertainment banner and the critics only appreciate those that entertain us the least. Parallel cinema usually meant a new kind of cinema where the director sways off the general path and creates a different experience. It does not mean random bouts of silence and background music while some actor tries to cry, laugh and sing at the same time, all for a critical accolade.

Release any movie in Tamil Nadu and the general reception varies as such. I’m talking about the reception by the general audience, not the crazy fanboys, by the way.

Week of Release: Wow! What a movie! Such a strong social message embedded by such a ballsy film maker! Kudos to the entire team for undertaking such an overwhelming project. Let’s all join hands and eradicate this social evil!

Week 2 after Release: OTHA SHAMELESS BEHAVIOR BY THE FILM MAKERS IN RIPPING OFF THIS ENTIRE STORY FROM AN ANGLO-INDIAN-THAI-LEBANESE SHORT FILM ONCE AIRED IN A PUBLIC SCHOOL DURING REPORT CARD DAY. SONGS ARE ALSO COPIED FROM VARIOUS SOURCES. THIS CHORD THAT HE PLAYS IN THIS SONG HAS ALREADY BEEN PLAYED IN ALMOST ALL THE SONGS EVER. COPYCATS!

Within a week, the entire social message conveyed is forgotten and the people from the human rights bandwagon jump onto the anti plagiarism one. This is what provokes a director to take up some topic that has never been done before.  Since we live in a country infested with over 5000 different kinds of cinema, you would understand how hard a topic that is to find. Hence we are faced with watching movies about a blind photographer searching for meaning in the nuances of life or a woman with cerebral palsy wading through the hurdles of adulthood. Soon enough, we’re going to run out of movies to make and will end up with something incredibly retarded. Like the touching story of a retarded-paraplegic-terminally ill-speech impaired cricketer who fights his battles using emotional support from his girlfriend, with whom he speaks only through messenger doves carrying lunchboxes across Richie street while selling electronics to support himself financially. I can already see the 58 star ratings along with olive branches around text describing the movie as the best movie that can possibly ever be made ever. Everyday, Indian cinema makes great progress in achieving this distant dream of winning another Oscar for a massively over rated film. Movies like Anjaan and Humshakals must stand testimony to this fact. What an exciting time to be alive!