The GPA lust

 

 

One can almost take any issue and make it sound like it’s one of India’s primary flaws. I can even make a plausible argument about how dyslexic bears are ruining the GDP of our nation. But enough about P. Chidambaram for now, let’s get back to what I was saying. Everyone seems to have figured out what the problem is with India.  Some say it is corruption, some say it is the BJP/Congress and the others just watch The News Hour and let Arnab tell them what’s right or wrong. So, here I am today whining about yet another aspect of this lovely country I usually refer to as freaking bullshit the education system.

Bumping into a group of elderly aunties at a family function is like going to a Viva Examination. You know exactly what questions they’re going to ask you and yet you still don’t know what you want to say. We engineers have been trained through the years on how to hold the nerves during the viva examination and still come out with a D grade. What happens at weddings isn’t quite very different either. Throw a stone anywhere in a wedding and it’ll either hit an elderly aunty or an annoying kid (Although at a Maru wedding it will most definitely land in one of the 153 food items but that is an aspect we shall look at later on). When you walk into a group of aunties or uncles, it’s almost the same plethora of bad jokes and questions about your future every single time. Both of these categories divide intensely and come back to essentially the same topic- Your Grade Point Average.

I’m not saying they don’t genuinely care about the grade point average but if they actually did care about it, they would have maintained it themselves instead of just getting married into a wealthy household (Insensitive and all, yeah I know. Read the name of the blog maybe?). Then, there are the programmed questions which follow regardless of your answers to them.

Middle Aged Aunty eating Ice Cream asking you questions, let’s call her Bobby : Toh beta, I forgot to aks itself- what is your percent in college haan?

Troubled Child going through a lot of stuff and is unable to comprehend anything, let’s call him Rahul Gandhi. Or Ram. That’s shorter : Aunty college mei there’s no percentile and all. I have a 7.3 GPA.

Bobby : Hawww beta how you are going to get job and all? How you are going to go to Amrika? (America)

Ram : I’m going to do BA journalism, aunty.

Bobby: Oh acha acha okay. Good good. Where do I get more ice cream?

(Walks away as she does not know what a BA is. Only MBA, MBBS and MTR are the short forms she knows)

 

Also, most recently the JEE coaching centers were reveling in happiness having gained the acquisition of a new face to fund their massive cheating of the public and extorting them for their money. Much like what Sonia Gandhi felt after labour. Ever since this Satya Nadella became the Microsoft CEO, the scene in India has been crazy. Even Satya Nadella must cringe in his sleep and cuss his fortune for being born Indian when he wakes up to texts from his fathers’ uncles’ sisters’ friends’ neighbors’ drivers’ aunts’ dog asking for a job via jugaad.

The main reason for this sort of behavior comes from the over competitiveness of the Indian genetic pool and how they stoop down to any level to get their education degree, even if that involves not getting educated at all (Yes I’m looking at you wanting to champesthanu me). People who mug up mathematics or C++ for an exam inadvertently gain just as much knowledge as your average Pakistani, which is clearly not a lot. It must break the hearts of all the people who prepared an exam JUST so that people wouldn’t mug up probable questions and answers to see 102 JEE coaching centers and millions of people mugging up the important questions right up to the millisecond before the exam. I have come across brilliant people who have failed math in the 7^th and gone on to reject IIT only because they actually want to learn some genuine stuff and not because of how pretty the degree would look. They make the difference between a smart Indian and well, a guy from Andhra.

Blaming the people from Andhra is like blaming the goods out of a factory for being so shitty. It’s the factory’s fault the goods aren’t competent and it is the factory that is answerable. The factory in question here is the State Board system where you can get a 200/200 if you mug up the whole syllabus. As a CBSE student, a 100% was so beyond the horizon that I could actually see myself getting hitched with Scarlett Johansson and fathering 23 children while winning the Nobel Prize in Mathematics and releasing a death metal bestselling album, before that could actually happen.

I could rant about how grades aren’t supposed to matter in the long run and how you are responsible for what you become but what guarantee can I offer you? I am an average student in college. When somebody like Bill Gates tells you that you can lay off the books and still make it, the statement carries some weight because, you know, he’s freaking Bill Gates. When a fellow student tells you that, he is either delusional or intoxicated. Everyone glorifies the failures that go on to become successes and the successes that go on to become failures. Nobody likes the clichéd story starring a straight A student who gets a good job and is successful. When you look to glamorize the education industry and complain about the products being on par with the likes of Udhayanidhi Stalin or Uday Chopra, you know you’re that annoying customer who wants a pizza at a grocery store and is visibly upset when they deny you those impossible standards of service. You want to emulate success, not create it and you think following the process given below will help you:

Get a 99.999% >> Get into a college via a cool merit seat >> Maintain a 9.5 GPA and all that >> Get placed in some cool Company >> Work your ass off until 60 >> Retire saying you were a smart man and ruin the subsequent generation >> Go to kitty parties with wife >> Become the Male Bobby.

I’m nobody to preach to you. I’m just somebody who writes a blog in hope of landing my opinions and getting more followers. You could actually listen to what I say or you could turn a deaf ear here, but what you must definitely do is, tell your friends about this blog and keep reading.

 

 

The Culture Propaganda

Look up Indian culture in Google and you shall find 2 things. One would be the vast history and unmatched richness of the famous Indian culture as explained by some knowledgeable person who has studied these subjects in grave detail. The second thing you would find in abundance is some bullshit article by someone who makes Charles Darwin turn in his grave and cuss nature for its incompetency in this whole natural selection procedure. Most probably would be Baba Ramdev, a politician or some guy from Delhi whu tlks lyk dis 2 u cz hez 2 kewl 4 u bb. Unfortunately for us, we are usually faced with the Salman Khan of cultural scholars. You guessed it right, the ones who portray it in the most unrealistic and stupid manner.

Any park early in the morning shall most definitely contain a group of elderly masochists talking about how the younger generations are so spoiled by modern western culture and how rotten and corrupt the modern politicians are. Then they take their 73^rd piss break and ride off in their scooter without a helmet, RC book or insurance papers because their son knows someone who can do ‘setting’ for them. Not like they were responsible for raising the current generation or something. Obviously they are used to much simpler times where marriage didn’t involve complex theories like love or anything. Everything was settled in discretion and a respectable amount of sophistication in a calm and composed manner and all the necessities were taken care of.  Oh yeah and some woman also came along with that dowry. Wife, I believe it’s called ? I’m sorry, I’m only acquainted with the term that’s used when a woman is married, not when a 5 year old girl is. So as you see, I’m pretty new to these old lingoes since I’m from the newer generation where common moral ethics and some bullshit go into this new European concept called rational thinking. But obviously those bearded stoners were too busy writing story books like the Ramayana and the Kamasutra that shaped our culture while the rest of the world was engrossed in the less important shit. Like you know, the laws of physics and all.

To add to all the drama hosted by the culture freaks, there would always be that one idiot who professes his ultimate love for the Indian culture he so helped develop through the years. Honestly, I could write a stupid ass proverb right now and make those self proclaimed literary scholars ejaculate to its versatility and relevancy to the current political situation in Iran.

“Washington Apples are always Red”

–          OH MY GOD. DO YOU NOT SEE THE BEAUTY OF THAT STATEMENT?? HE IS SAYING THAT PEOPLE OF A PARTICULAR SOCIAL STRATA NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE THEY ARE DEFINED BY GOD TO BE THAT WAY. GOD IS GREAT GUYS. WORSHIP GOD. EAT YOUR APPLES. KIDS IN SYRIA ARE STARVING BECAUSE THE WASHINGTON APPLES ARE RED. LET ME JUST WRITE A 809 PAGE ESSAY ON HOW THIS POLITICALLY RELEVANT PHRASE WILL HAVE AN IMPACT ON GLOBALIZATION, ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT AND SOME OTHER WORDS I READ.

I’m pretty sure culture and religion were also founded on similar basis, wherein some loud guy was preaching to these hoard of nomads who just wanted food. Some of them might have wanted to stab themselves in the eye and roll around in a vat concentrated hydrofluoric acid. This was the first recorded incident of atheism in the modern world. ( Or like the educated class call it – Sense )

Indian culture is also the fall back option for most arguments which don’t have any sensible rebuttals, because obviously the best rebuttal to a sensible argument is the biggest hoard of bullshit humanly imaginable. The Indian constitution, Mollywood and almost the entirety of Telengana ( Or however it was mugged up and spelled by the telugu population ) were formed on these principles. Just recently, Kerala witnessed something which was the most horrendous crime to have been committed by the scum of the society who do not seem to abide by any particular rules or any moral values. In other words, Sheila Dikshit recently was appointed the governor of Kerala.

Apart from these crimes, the crimes that went more noticed were the Delhi Gang rape where in just a simple group of men ganged up and attacked a Delhi woman who was left humiliated in her own state. Some people call it the most shocking incident to have happened in Delhi for a long time, others just call it the Delhi Legislative Assembly Elections.

( Okay enough Sheila Dikshit jokes. I was actually thinking of something on the lines of Sheila ki Jawaani but let’s save that up )

When you live in a country which is crawling with religious saints who are offended by even the slightest taunt, it is pretty hard to talk sense. This sort of thinking is what contaminates the gene pool of India and gives rise to those Sonam Kapoors and Rohit Shettys. How can anyone possibly think that a government who’s own police officers look to blame the entire Delhi Gang Rape incident ( The actual bus one. ) on the girl saying she had alcohol to drink and was roaming around at untimely hours. I believe there was actually a probe investigating whether her male compatriot was her boyfriend or just her friend. This is less of a judiciary system and more of a hormonally imbalanced teenage sleepover.

Most of you will just read this article and feel angered for a few minutes. Some of you would have gotten offended in the early stages and have not even made it this far into the article. A few of you will have actually understood what I’ve tried to put out through my ill timed humor and nasty Sheila Dikshit jokes. When someone as laid back as me decides to go writing about current affairs, you know this nation is pretty screwed. Obviously I cannot do anything by sitting in my boxers and writing this blog but when around 50 of you are inspired enough to write your own ill timed nasty humor on Sheila Dikshit, maybe, just maybe you might spark something.

So I’m already on 972 words and I’m scaring myself. So until next time, suckers. Thanks for reading !

Getting started

I’ve never taken writing very seriously. I mean it never struck me as a viable past time to sit and stare at a blinking cursor on a boring Microsoft word document while thinking of satirical humor that would get me no more than appreciation. Then again, you’re talking to a person who has spent a chunk of his visible past online on Facebook waiting for that one chick to reply to my desperate attempts at friendship. Naturally then, writing didn’t seem like that huge of a mountain when none of the said chicks decided to reply.

I’ve read blogs by different people and I have absolutely despised them. I don’t care how good your writing is, if it doesn’t entertain me. Using 17 letter words in a 43 line long sentence will give me about as much pleasure as travelling in a government bus while a fat stranger decides to deposit his saliva on my sleeve. But of course people have their own likes and to them, such articles are like the literary equivalent of finally seeing the video versions of Savita Bhabhi. (P.S. for those who do not study Engineering, You may want to do your research on Smt. Savita bhabhi.)

Quite recently, I came across this blog called stupidusmaximus. It was written by a member of the script writing cast of The week that wasn’t. It was absolutely brilliant and it is still the only blog I regularly follow. Also I just realized I shouldn’t have told you guys about it, since I actually planned on selective plagiarism if this writing thing wasn’t getting the results I wanted it to.

The thing that absolutely stupefies me is how these people find a topic to write about. Coming from an engineering college, if you provide me with a topic I can write you three harry potter size novels, but the real litmus test is coming up with the topic of your own choice. See with answers in a test, I don’t find it much of an obligation to be literarily sound or to make people laugh (which they do sometimes, but that’s not for now). I just have to fill in the pages of their answer booklet and make it presentable enough to use as a metaphorical bowl when I go and beg them for marks. This convincing trait makes for the majority of the Engineering crowd to “stumble” upon that brilliant idea that they’d be great marketing executives and thereby encourages them to pursue their MBA. True story.

The thing with the Indian media is that almost everything offends someone or the other. Living in the south, I have seen the most orthodox kinds of people that can exist. Someone must have taken a pretty huge shit in the gene pool to have spawned creatures such as these. Suddenly there is a book that falls to the floor and within 0.23 milliseconds there will be a hoard of Iyengar/Iyer Tamilians gathering around that book waiting their turn to say sorry to that piece of paper and cardboard. Even germs wait 5 seconds to attack your food. It must hurt these tamil iyers how germs can sacrifice so much of their time to attack the food wherein they can actually do the same task in 0.15 seconds and save the extra time to simmer their sambar and watch the remaining episode of Selvi or Kolangal on SunTV as they mug up for their MBA degree. Also, if it is a cricket match day, there must be a religiously allocated time just for studying and analyzing Krishnamachari Srikkanths monologue with Mandira Bedi.

As much as a misaligned kumkumam or the use of common nouns can offend an entire community. Apparently in the movie- Billu barber, the barber community of india got vastly offended on a large scale as the movie potrayed barbers are poor or something. Well excuse me for not looking into your swiss bank accounts and stumbling upon your obvious fortune of 23 million wigs. People are going to make movies only on what they know. There can only be a permuted number of assumptions that go into making a movie. Like for example, Terminator and robocop was made with the assumption of a future technology, Om Shanti Om was made with the assumption of rebirth and all of Vijays 52 films were made on the assumption that he can act. Clearly it should have been established now that I do not give two shits about any of these things coz lets face it, Im not famous nor talented enough to express my opinions in a diplomatic way and actually have some commendable repercussions based on it. So this thing should be easy, Right?

My blog is going to be exactly what people don’t want it to be, because screw rules yeah ?

Lets see how this thing goes. I heard I get paid if I do well enough ? No ? Chicks maybe? Still no?

It is a sad life.

please come back for more