The Rape Rant

“I’m almost out of controversial topics to write about in India”- Said nobody ever. Having said that, we now look at one of the most shocking wave of events that publicly displayed the ugly side of Indians. It involved the humiliation and degradation of people while a minority sat and enjoyed the show. Although that may sound like the movie review for Kick, this article will deal with a topic I actually didn’t want to write about ever. The Rape show in India.

There is nothing funny about rape. Well, I couldn’t think of anything funny at least. There is a risk with doing jokes on rape that involve the rapid wrath of the violent feminist and the ‘understanding male compatriot’ (also pronounced as – guy attracted to a violent feminist) sections of the society. Apart from the nonexistent humor quotient in this topic, I also try to maintain the little class my blog has by not incorporating profanity in my articles. I have cruised past the culture articles and Sheila Dikshit jibes like a classy gentleman but when it comes to people like Mulayam Singh Yadav or his orangutan of a son, it becomes harder to not open that other dictionary.

India isn’t particularly renowned for the way it treats its women. We have this incessant knack for following whatever our ancestors did, no matter how stupid they were. This unquestioned respect given to the elders swings both ways. When it swings good, we have deserving professors and workers getting a gold watch on their retirement day. When it swings bad, we have Digvijay Singh and those folks at that party with the rising sun. So this blind path we follow in the name of culture has pretty much wrecked the stance of women in the society. There are women who are accustomed to this bullshit and then there are other women who are beat up and forced to be accustomed to this bullshit. The media and all those elders from your father’s office parties seem to have everything figured out with this situation. It’s almost always the generic answer for every question you ask.

Question:  Uncle what do you think about these rape things happening nowadays?

    Bullshit:  Beta all this is normal only. It’s because of western influence. This entire western hemisphere no, spoiling our Indian culture!  You leave that now beta. Tell me, are you going to US or not for studies now?

Over the course of this rape saga, there have been quite a handful of eloquent responses and views on this topic. As is the case with most things in this country, these responses range from mind numbingly good to Rahul Gandhi level. We continue to have powerful and inspirational speeches given by intimidating masculine personalities like Amitabh Bachchan and Kiran Bedi. On the flip side, there are also blokes like Abhijit Mukherji who read out random words from the dictionary in an attempt to sound like he is from an educated family. People like him make Arnab Goswami love his job.

Just like every article you read about rape, the next part will usually proceed to highlight the stupidity of our current batch of politicians. It will incorporate some smart ass insults. It will provide innovative ways on how to castigate these rapists, including a fully detailed thesis on how one can be tortured the best. Then I will end it gracefully by saying that rape is bad and the usual generic rant about how we can instill a nation of millions blah blah blah.

Let’s be brutally honest, all of that is complete and utter bullshit.

We are not going to change. The rapists will not understand any of those creative genital mutilation techniques you tirelessly described. They will continue raping because the overall IQ level of Uttar Pradesh and Bihar amounts to about 2 or 2.5. In a predictable statistic, most of our bright politicians hail from Uttar Pradesh only. There will be domestic violence, murders, kidnappings, rapes, honor killing and everything you would expect from a pea brained masculine figure high on Indian Culture. You, as an inconsequential being reading a random blog on a laptop will not be able to do jack shit about it. For every candle light protest you conduct, there will be this macho Indian dude from delhi or Haryana saying that candle light protests are an effect of western cultural influences and must be stopped. The balance is tipped to the side of the stupid Indian culture fanatics.

Western culture did not invent dowry, sati and your caste system. Western civilization didn’t construct caves with animal orgies. Westerners don’t worship a blue man’s penis. Stop blaming the shortcomings of a flawed system on another community because you’re too much of an uptight little bitch. The rape culture arises from the fundamental notion that women are pieces of property every man has a right to. That fundamental notion is the doing of our great ancestral heritage. You can give women 75% reservations in the parliament; tend to every whimsical demand made by angry feminists; castrate and torture the rapists all you want and do everything that is within your power to satisfy yourself, but every one of your attempts will be cancelled out by that one Subramanian Swamy of the society who thinks Chowmein is the primary cause of rape. If there is one thing worse than things like this being preached, its the fact that these things are being followed.

There is a regular influx of a rape report everyday in the newspaper. If I sat to cover every aspect of these events, this rant would go on forever. If I didn’t know any better, I will find more people offended by this article than the actual rape cultures in India. One step forward, Two steps back. Welcome to India. Enjoy your stay.

 

The Culture Propaganda

Look up Indian culture in Google and you shall find 2 things. One would be the vast history and unmatched richness of the famous Indian culture as explained by some knowledgeable person who has studied these subjects in grave detail. The second thing you would find in abundance is some bullshit article by someone who makes Charles Darwin turn in his grave and cuss nature for its incompetency in this whole natural selection procedure. Most probably would be Baba Ramdev, a politician or some guy from Delhi whu tlks lyk dis 2 u cz hez 2 kewl 4 u bb. Unfortunately for us, we are usually faced with the Salman Khan of cultural scholars. You guessed it right, the ones who portray it in the most unrealistic and stupid manner.

Any park early in the morning shall most definitely contain a group of elderly masochists talking about how the younger generations are so spoiled by modern western culture and how rotten and corrupt the modern politicians are. Then they take their 73^rd piss break and ride off in their scooter without a helmet, RC book or insurance papers because their son knows someone who can do ‘setting’ for them. Not like they were responsible for raising the current generation or something. Obviously they are used to much simpler times where marriage didn’t involve complex theories like love or anything. Everything was settled in discretion and a respectable amount of sophistication in a calm and composed manner and all the necessities were taken care of.  Oh yeah and some woman also came along with that dowry. Wife, I believe it’s called ? I’m sorry, I’m only acquainted with the term that’s used when a woman is married, not when a 5 year old girl is. So as you see, I’m pretty new to these old lingoes since I’m from the newer generation where common moral ethics and some bullshit go into this new European concept called rational thinking. But obviously those bearded stoners were too busy writing story books like the Ramayana and the Kamasutra that shaped our culture while the rest of the world was engrossed in the less important shit. Like you know, the laws of physics and all.

To add to all the drama hosted by the culture freaks, there would always be that one idiot who professes his ultimate love for the Indian culture he so helped develop through the years. Honestly, I could write a stupid ass proverb right now and make those self proclaimed literary scholars ejaculate to its versatility and relevancy to the current political situation in Iran.

“Washington Apples are always Red”

–          OH MY GOD. DO YOU NOT SEE THE BEAUTY OF THAT STATEMENT?? HE IS SAYING THAT PEOPLE OF A PARTICULAR SOCIAL STRATA NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE THEY ARE DEFINED BY GOD TO BE THAT WAY. GOD IS GREAT GUYS. WORSHIP GOD. EAT YOUR APPLES. KIDS IN SYRIA ARE STARVING BECAUSE THE WASHINGTON APPLES ARE RED. LET ME JUST WRITE A 809 PAGE ESSAY ON HOW THIS POLITICALLY RELEVANT PHRASE WILL HAVE AN IMPACT ON GLOBALIZATION, ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT AND SOME OTHER WORDS I READ.

I’m pretty sure culture and religion were also founded on similar basis, wherein some loud guy was preaching to these hoard of nomads who just wanted food. Some of them might have wanted to stab themselves in the eye and roll around in a vat concentrated hydrofluoric acid. This was the first recorded incident of atheism in the modern world. ( Or like the educated class call it – Sense )

Indian culture is also the fall back option for most arguments which don’t have any sensible rebuttals, because obviously the best rebuttal to a sensible argument is the biggest hoard of bullshit humanly imaginable. The Indian constitution, Mollywood and almost the entirety of Telengana ( Or however it was mugged up and spelled by the telugu population ) were formed on these principles. Just recently, Kerala witnessed something which was the most horrendous crime to have been committed by the scum of the society who do not seem to abide by any particular rules or any moral values. In other words, Sheila Dikshit recently was appointed the governor of Kerala.

Apart from these crimes, the crimes that went more noticed were the Delhi Gang rape where in just a simple group of men ganged up and attacked a Delhi woman who was left humiliated in her own state. Some people call it the most shocking incident to have happened in Delhi for a long time, others just call it the Delhi Legislative Assembly Elections.

( Okay enough Sheila Dikshit jokes. I was actually thinking of something on the lines of Sheila ki Jawaani but let’s save that up )

When you live in a country which is crawling with religious saints who are offended by even the slightest taunt, it is pretty hard to talk sense. This sort of thinking is what contaminates the gene pool of India and gives rise to those Sonam Kapoors and Rohit Shettys. How can anyone possibly think that a government who’s own police officers look to blame the entire Delhi Gang Rape incident ( The actual bus one. ) on the girl saying she had alcohol to drink and was roaming around at untimely hours. I believe there was actually a probe investigating whether her male compatriot was her boyfriend or just her friend. This is less of a judiciary system and more of a hormonally imbalanced teenage sleepover.

Most of you will just read this article and feel angered for a few minutes. Some of you would have gotten offended in the early stages and have not even made it this far into the article. A few of you will have actually understood what I’ve tried to put out through my ill timed humor and nasty Sheila Dikshit jokes. When someone as laid back as me decides to go writing about current affairs, you know this nation is pretty screwed. Obviously I cannot do anything by sitting in my boxers and writing this blog but when around 50 of you are inspired enough to write your own ill timed nasty humor on Sheila Dikshit, maybe, just maybe you might spark something.

So I’m already on 972 words and I’m scaring myself. So until next time, suckers. Thanks for reading !